merry fucking christmas to me

Happy Fucking Christmas to me eh..

What a shit Christmas it has been.. and a shit week really.

Spent the day alone.. cos feel like- and maybe its true, that nobody loves me. My parents are abroad.. My brother doesn't talk to my parents so won't invite me to his for Christmas. My friends are not close enough to want me for Christmas. I have no boyfriend.

I spent the day in bed and then watching You Tube videos about learning how to sing. Not that I seem to be making any progress with my singing anyway. I think my new singing teacher hates me.She didn't smile once in the lesson the other day. But I'm seeing her next week anyway.

Then I got up really late to exercise, put on a dvd I could manage ok a few months back, it was bloody impossible today. And my left hip is starting to ache again, don't know if I've buggered it up.

Went back to bed enroute to a shower and literally couldn't get up as was feeling so low.

Not much going on the rest of the week, some crappy parties.

Feeling fat and unfit and unhappy again. Hence this woe is me post

Had a whole M and S pizza for dinner. And some chocolate. Wasn't even nice to eat.

Then the bitch whose music competition I entered and who said I'd entered "far and above the best entry so far" didn't even bother to email me at midnight last night to say I hadn't won the contest. So I was waiting around all day to see until I emailed her I bet its a bloody fix, I can't believe anyone else did a better answer than I did. Silly cow. Give the present to her friends. Why am I wasting my time with all this shit? I wish I could channel my time into something productive.

SO basically I'm sitting here after my shower(did have one in the end) with a stomach full of disgusting shop bought pizza on Christmas day feeling shit, unloved, writing shit music, depressed...
What the fuck is wrong? What have I ever done wrong?
I spend my life trying to help people for fucks sake. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm polite... I try to stick to the rules.
I've worked bloody hard trying to be better- to be prettier, thinner, nicer, happier.. and here I am again, alone, and crying on what they tell me is the best day of the year, and for family.... What is the point?

Did I get any Christmas presents.. don't be fucking stupid. Why am I swearing in text here? don't be stupid.. Even my secret santa ones were bloody awful.. I bought myself my own present, this computer, like I needed another computer.. But if you want something to cheer yourself up turns out this is the only way to get it.

Basically I feel like I can't get what I want.. Namely a boyfriend who loves me and who I love .... some decent friends, some satisfaction at work and doing my job well, a decent salary, and some success with playing/ writing music.

Do I crawl into a hole and cry, or do I put on my brave face again and get up and try again, like I've been doing for the last shit 19 years of my life.. You bet ya.

And people wonder why people kill themselves over Christmas.

It could be worse. I'm not dying. (as far as I know.) I have a job. I could get a boyfriend probably if I wasn't fussy- expecting someone of the right religion, with intelligence and somewhat attractive.
I have food in the cupboard. I have parents.. even if they don't seem to care enough to want to spend time with me on momentous occasions, you know, christmas, jewish festivals, my birthday.

FUCK THIS>>

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
I keep waiting for a sign that things will improve, something good, but all I get is more crap.

I am on a MISSION

yes- nothing big, not going to save the planet or takeover the world.. in fact it sounds a little shallow..

but I Rosie Posy- vow to get FIT and CONFIDENT in this, my 29th year  and to live the life I want to lead :D

I am quite frankly fed up of feeling unworthy, of not having confidence in my achievements and not standing up for myself and for allowing my fears to win. Fear is BORING. Fear is numbing. Fear is a prison cell.

Today was Yom Kippur- day of atonement. I fasted to repent. I also stayed in bed and watched half of series one on Nashville on Amazon Prime too- guess nobody is perfect.

But I've decided that this is the year to make my dreams come true.

Last year was a pretty good year.
I qualified in my profession surviving my final year of training.
I took up running.
I got as thin as I've been in 13 years by getting healthy. I have been doing home workout videos on top of the running and eating better.

I've been on a few dates. I've done a few shows. Written a few songs. Not let the depression bring me down.

There are 6 months until my birthday. I commit to a life of joy and hope and happiness.

Where do I see myself? What's the aim? What do I want?

I want a boyfriend, a lover, a confidant, someone I feel good being with who can support me and who I can support.

I want a fit, healthy, beautiful body- not by society's standards, but by mine- the best that I can be.

I want to write music and perform and learn.

I want to be good at my job, confident in my abilities and growing in my profession.


I went to an inspiring songwriting workshop session the other day. A quote was discussed- Do something today that your future self will be grateful for. I intend to live by that rule.

Slowly but steadily I am moving up to the life I want.

LOVE CONQUERS FEAR
LOVE CONQUERS ALL

xxxxx

And on that note.. I intend to get out of bed to do day 2 of the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout :D
Yes.. me with pyjamas and fatigue and painful arms from yesterday's girly pushup attempts.

Its only 20 minutes. Its worth it.  And I've committed to this healthy body. There is no going back now.